I’ve had the hardest three weeks of my entire life. My first proper blogpost from Australia.
My grandparents used to have a liquid soap that smelled like milk and honey. If I had to pinpoint the smell of the easy days that were spent at their house in this beautiful tiny town where you could play football in the streets without wearing shoes and eat strawberries in the garden and sit by the fireside on the balcony, it would be the smell of that soap. When I was in the shower yesterday – the first shower I had after I started my second first, the actual beginning after the beginning – there was the exact same soap in the shower. When I used it I could feel the texture of my grandparents floor under my feet, could hear the way their floor creeks in the different places, could feel the heat of their attic on a hot summer afternoon when I played dressup in my grandmothers dresses from a century ago. I remembered that I absolutely had to text her back.
My grandmother is a lovely person that has a tendency to worry a lot about other people but not let her worry show too much. She’s one of those people that always stays strong for others and is someone you can certainly rely on. She definitely knew how unhappy I was because my mum told her, however the only text I had received from her read ‘For us another day is over, for you it’s only just starting. You haven’t been gone for long yet but there’s still a lot of things that you have to get used to, new country, strangers. I’m sure you will manage all of those challenges. Love, Oma’.
I hadn’t been able to bring myself to answer her yet. During my first three weeks in Australia I was the unhappiest I had ever been in my entire life and it got so bad that I started to not answer text messages anymore and reject Skype calls just so that I didn’t have to talk to anyone about how I felt. I lost track of all the times where I told my best friend that we couldn’t have a Skype call for this or that reason and the one time we actually did have one, I had set up the rule that we could talk about anything but Australia. I heard a lot about his life, his school, his friends and it just made me feel more homesick. What had made me make the decision to actually leave all of this behind? My family, my friends and literally every single person I loved?
Before I left for Australia I had been super happy. I had grown so close to my mum and my little brother, I had gotten on so well with my dad and his girlfriend. My brother and his wife had finally started to manage visiting us with their baby daughter every week, my best friend had returned from England. Making the big move away from home to Australia, this country that I had desired to go to and dreamed of for years and years, was going to be the thing that was going to make my life even better. I had expected to miss my family but I always had in mind that I can only miss them so much because I love them more than anything and because they love me enough to support me through all my decisions in life even though they certainly weren’t going to make their life easier. That thought was what kept me going.
My flight to Australia was amazing. I met an amazing person at the airport in Germany and another one on the plane to Dubai. I’m good friends with one of them now and we are calling each other almost everyday! When I got to the airport I was buzzing with love and excitement for what my future would hold for me. This excitement was soon lessened when I arrived at my ‘about to be’ – home for the next months. I immediately felt uneasy with the way I was treated and on long term, I ended up having the worst time of my life there.
When you are unhappy, you start looking at things without love and I couldn’t stand the thought of that happening to me. So, with the help of some amazing people (from which I still don’t really know what I have done to deserve them in my life) I made the choice of moving out of my former home and start looking for a new one. I talked to a lot of people and in the end actually found a home that I was one hundred percent comfortable with. My first night there will always stay in my memory as one of the best nights of my life, mainly because of the sharp contrast it had set to my weeks before. It was the first night where I didn’t feel lonely, where I didn’t loose sleep and could actually eat an entire meal without feeling sick.
Changing things was probably the best decision I could have made. It means that I don’t have to stay in an environment that makes me feel sick and anxious and that makes me feel like I have to be out of the house to feel better. I feel appreciated and wanted again and I really missed that. There have been moments during the last few weeks where I was seconds away from taking the next plane home, but you know what? I decided to come to Australia to have the time of my life, to become stronger and get to know myself. I wasn’t going to let that be ruined by some bad people. When I talked to my dad on the phone he said something that really stuck in my head: “You know love, I think these things that have happened made you stronger as a person and they will help you appreciate all the good things happening to you so much more!” I’m sure he is right about that.
This post is post number one of many others of my Australia adventure!
I hope that no matter who you are and where you are, you are in a healthy and happy environment that helps you grow as a person. If you are facing difficult times, just remember that you are a strong person who is responsible for their own happiness. I believe that we all have the chance to make the right choices to help everything fall into place in the end. You know, sometimes it looks like things are falling apart when they are really falling into place!